I spent five days at Ft. Campbell for a Memorial dedication and just hanging out with the guys of my son's company. I had many good times I will be writing about but one particular conversation with my son's Company commander burns in my memory. It was not a serious in depth conversation but it set me to thinking.
The CPT. had asked about how my family was doing in all this. I am always honest about the different stages we are all at. With this man I let him peek behind my carefully constructed walls. I made the statement that my son David had finally turn the corner and was moving beyond the anger and starting to learn to cope with the pain. He asked me " Who is he angry at?" And I told him that was just it there is no one to be angry at. You are just angry with no one and no where to direct it at.
The more I think about that statement the more I realize I too hold a great deal of anger. Not directed anger, just anger. I know it's there just below the surface but I also know it would do no good what so ever to allow it to surface. In some ways I use the anger to fuel what I do. I refuse to succumb to it and allow it do more damage that what is already done. It's a hard concept for some people to grasp I suppose. How can a person be anger at nothing and everything?
I suppose also that anyone who knows me or has meet me would be shocked to find out that within me is a rage so hot that it would scare most people if I allowed it to show. How can anyone with that much rage not release it? I am not sure how to be honest. I just know I keep it carefully guarded. I allow it to release in small burst which i work hard to turn the energy of into something positive. I use it to research cases that our Military men and women are not getting a fair shake. I use it to be involved in politics so that maybe just maybe the right people will lead this country and not allow this to happen to another family.
Who is he angry at?... no one. The anger is simple there. we are just angry at the emptiness in our lives. And I hope my family wisely softens the anger with good works.