People Come and Go

When we lost Micheal we were flooded with people coming with comfort and offers of help. The day after the funeral though the house was quiet. No more visitors or calls. My husband called it the vacuum. And I understood to some extent. Grief is a messy business. People don't know what to say so they say nothing. Just so you know saying the wrong thing is not nearly as bad as saying nothing. Unless you say something really stupid like " It could have been worse" and yes I have had that said to me.

Over time the very few people who stuck around are still here. And I do mean very few, as I can count them on one hand and have most of my fingers left over. All of them were my husband's friends from before who include me now too. I have manage to meet new people. Some who have been through the lose of a loved one. Some who are military and get it a little better than most. I allowed myself to become attached to a few of them but suddenly a few months ago they just up and stopped contact. Now knowing I was a mess I didn't really blame them. But then again I do. I was awaking up and thrashing about in pain and no one seemed to care. Oh I had my family but everyone else shut me off and went on about their lives. I know now I can't trust or depend on anyone. People have proven once again it's about what I can do for them. When I came very close to a nervous break down and was barely functioning and couldn't do for people they were suddenly too busy for me. When I was alone in a hotel room in Chicago there was no one answered my call. When I spent days wondering aimlessly there was no one responded to my IMs. I was not worth their time or trouble. I was an option. And better yet a used up option. People I had thought were my friends were gone.

So now weeks later I have a clearer view of where I stand. I stand firmly with my family. I have a lot of acquaintances and a very very select few friends that I share with my husband. I know I won't be getting a "how's it going?" or "Let's do lunch" call. And I know it will be a very long time before I allow anyone in my life again.

I have to admit this is a hard path.. and one no one should have to walk alone. I know I'm not truly alone. I have my husband and kids. But honestly there are times when I wish I could pick up the phone and call someone who is there for me to BS with, bounce ideas off of or cry on their shoulder. We don't always get what we want though. Even my husband get that there is family and then there is true friends. And sometimes you need a friend over family.